Sober, Authentic.
Authenticity in relationships. It’s a concept that might attract and scare you at the same time.
You may feel a deep desire to be known as your authentic self, and at the same time, be scared that you don’t even know who that person is.
You love the concept of authenticity, but feel vulnerable that you don’t know how to put it into practice.
You feel drawn to others who appear to be their authentic selves, yet afraid that your authentic self isn’t lovable.
Learning to be your true self is a lifelong process.
Getting sober is a profound first step. It’s saying, “I’m not going to hide behind alcohol and drugs anymore. I’m not going to try and change myself to be around other people. I’m going to learn to be me, whoever that is.”
I can write about this push/pull of attraction to and fear of authenticity, because I know it intimately. I’ve been jubliant and exhilirated on some days, and consumed by self-doubt and a feeling of helplessness on others.
We are each like a river– always the same, yet everchanging.
This is especially true in sobriety.
The person that you thought you were when you were drinking/using is not the person you are now, and is not the person you will be tomorrow.
What do I mean by that?
There are parts of you that remain consistent for your lifetime, but there are also beliefs, attitudes, behavior patterns, and even genetic expression that you have control over. You can choose to update your outdated ways of being to support your personal evolution.
My personal journey of self-discovery in relationship to others has been joyful and liberating, but at times also painful.
I’ve chosen to look in the mirror and acknowledge how my behavior has harmed others. I’ve been disrespectful, judgemental, and selfish. I had a low self-esteem and tendencies towards perfectionism. I felt a lot of shame around my problems with substances, the way I grew up, what happened when I was in college that resulted in me not getting my bachelors until I was 30. I know this, but I don’t dwell on it. I’ve always done the best I can with the information I have at the time.
At the same time, I have many wonderful qualities that inspire others and brings joy to their lives.
The more I cultivate my self-awareness— through meditation, journalling, and work I’m doing on myself through authentic relating, nature-connected life coaching practices, and other modalities, I’m getting to know myself better.
I’m evolving into the person I actually want to be– a person living a soul-directed, Spirit-supported life.
What are some ways you can start more self-aware on your path to authenticity?
–Sobriety!
–If you are isolating, get out and around other people, including online. You will learn a lot about yourself from the way you are reflected by others.
–Use tools like the Enneagram or this book on Chakra Personality Types to help you understand your behavior patterns and how to work with them
–Try new activities– You will learn more about yourself by trying things outside of your normal interests. Think : outdoors in nature, moving your body, art and music, improv, being around animals
–Research your heritage, if possible. Are your genetic ancestors known for certain personality traits? Do you relate to them?
–Read The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown
–Take this personal finance course from my friend Douglas Tsoi, or this free Science of Wellbeing course from Yale
–Instead of filling up all headspace with podcasts, TV, and music, try being alone with your thoughts
–Work with a therapist or life coach
Learning to be your authentic self in relationship is a lifelong process, so be patient and gentle, but get started!
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”
― Franklin D. Roosevelt
Note: You may notice the excuse coming up– But I don’t have time! If you are telling yourself that, see if you can tune into the fear that’s probably lurking behind it— fear of change.
Self-knowledge isn’t something that happens outside of your life, the process of knowing thyself can be woven into your life.